My Thighs Hurt, And Other Random Things.

1. My thighs really do hurt. Sorry if that TMI, but it's from my riding lessons. I'm an really, really happy to be back in the saddle, but I forgot how much I despise two-point. Two-point is the reason that my thighs hurt and my instructor thinks that I'm slightly crazy.
2. Since I'm on the topic of horses, outside of my lessons I have been riding 16.2. hands of gorgeous bay thoroughbred named Map Maker. Like me, Mappy is a little messed up, though. He has Head-Shaking Syndrome. He's really just a sweet horse with a pretty skittish personality and bad luck. Also, he has the most incredible and huge trot ever. Everybody says that when I ride him, Map is a different horse. They say he's more alert, but also more relaxed and braver and that he "loves his Margaret." I wouldn't know if he was any different because I don't know how he was to ride before. Obviously. But when I'm riding him, I can feel when he really wants to move out, especially at the trot, but is too scared to take the lead. The other day, I could feel when he finally overcame his fear and decided to move ahead. As he kept going he extended and extended his trot until he was flying and leaving the other two horses in the dust. In fact, I had to hold him back. As he went, he got more and more confident, I could feel it. He still spooked sideways at some very scary shadows, but he was just such a good boy. Honestly, I feel like I ride him well because I can understand him. I know that might sound a little weird, but I know what it's like to feel too scared to move out, even when you really want to. I know what it's like to feel trapped inside yourself. I get it, Mappy, I get you.
3. I am love with a little thing called Pandora Radio. If you've never tried it, you really should. See, I'm even providing you with the link. I highly recommend the Love Like Woe Radio, which I am currently listening to.
4. For Lent this year, I didn't give anything up, but I made a resolution instead. Every night, I write down three positive things. I haven't really told anyone, because whenever I do, I get mocked about it. But the other night, when I was having a really, really hard time with my stupid, messed-up mind, I read all the things I've written so far. It helped. When I first pulled out the diary, I read the entries in it from 2009, when I did the same thing, only with one thing per day. I cried. Almost every day had something about Mickey.
5. That is all. For now.

Short and Sweet :: Those Horses.

Today, I visited the barn where I am probably going to start taking riding lessons. While I was there, I watched a jumping clinic. 

While watching that clinic, I realized how long it’s been since I seriously did anything except walk on a horse. I realized that I have been a horse exactly once this entire winter. I looked at the jumps and knew that a year ago, they would have looked like nothing, but now they look huge. I watched the three people in that lesson walk, trot, canter, ride out bucks, pull up horses that were far too full of themselves, figure out spacing, canter through grids, push and kick and smack their horses to get more energy, and finally fly over oxers and I remembered exactly how it felt to do every one of those things. I realized how much I miss doing that. I realized how much I miss walking into the barn and greeting every horse by name, stroking all the muzzles that are hanging over stall doors, and having that one furry, four-legged best friend that loves you no matter what. I realized that all of those things will forever be a part of me. And I honestly wondered how I got through the past six months without all of that.

Lonely.

Right now, I'm sitting in play practice. I should be working on homework. I'm not. My laptop is about to die, half the buttons on it decided not to work today, I have a presentation in English tomorrow that our teacher has been extremely unclear about and STILL hasn't posted the document that we're supposed to take it from, and I barely got any sleep last night. It's probably not the best time to be writing. I probably shouldn't even be posting this here because it involves a lot of people who I know read my blog. Maybe I'll come to my senses and not end up posting this. Whatever. Most of them already know and I need to get my feelings out one way or another.

Lately, I've been feeling downright alone. It's not a pleasant feeling. You see, ever since this year started, I've been thinking: all of my best friends come in pairs. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it's kind of true. For instance, there's Alex-and-Erin, Kaley-and-Maddi, Megan-and-Jessie. Then there's me. Me, who has half of her pair living 300 miles away. The world, or at least the school world that I live in, is made for pairs of friends, not a pair with a hanger-on. Teachers say "Get into pairs," not "Get into groups of three." That hanger-on with nowhere else to go? That's me. Now, more than ever, everyone just seems like they're fed up with me.

Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly and sometimes everything is fine, but even so, I just feel so...left out. More and more, I'm just the outcast who can't fit into the little line that we walk in down the hallway, the one that is left behind when they go to the vending machines or out to their lockers, the one that isn't shown the hilarious picture on tumblr. I feel so stupidly jealous and petty when I think that, but it's been happening more and more, like I said. It sucks. The worst part about it, though, is that I feel like there's nothing I can do. Those kinds of friendships are the ones that start in elementary school and just keep hanging on. It's not something that you can just go up to someone and say, "Be my best friend." You might have really close friendships that are almost that like that, but in the end, nothing can touch it. Maybe I should just get used to being lonely. I don't really know what else to do.

Over and out.

Infected.

So, yeah, I just got my ears pierced this December and guess what, they decided to go and get infected! Joy to the world! Just to make that clear, it's not my actual ears that are infected, but the...earring holes. Okay, that just sounds awkward, but that's what it is. So, now I have a big lump filled with nasty bodily fluids on the back of my ear-lobe. To make things worse, I can't wear any earrings. What does that mean? That my holes might close up. That I might have to go through this entire thing all over again. Once again, JOYOUS. [that's sarcasm. i'm fluent in it.]

Also, I'm sorry if my constant complaining/not posting at all is getting annoying, but I'm running rather short on time lately. I promise I'll try to get a longer, more coherent, and less disgusting post out soon. In the meantime, you're awesome for reading my blog. Thank you and HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY to all of you :]

Over and Out.

Some Changes...

As you've probably noticed, I made some changes to my blog today :] It's nothing that major, I guess, just some new typefaces and a generally new look.The one thing that you really might want to check out though is my new "About Random Stuff" sidebar and my photography slideshow. The slideshow is of my flickr, which is also linked in the "About Random Stuff." I just got it, so I don't have that many pictures yet, but it's a start. My tumblr is just kind of little blurbs and random pictures that I reblog (mostly about Harry Potter, the Mortal Instruments, and Logan Lerman). So, if you are wondering about me, go check it out, and thanks for visiting my blog !

Over and Out

Something Quite Annoying.

*Two Things Before You Read This*

1. I'm straight. I'm a girl, I like guys. That doesn't mean that I have to insult people who aren't just because they are different.

2. I have nothing against football players. I have friends who play football. I have a half-brother who played football. Some of the sweetest kids I know play football. I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST THEM.

Now, For The Rant

My locker is in the middle of the third floor at my school, just like the rest of my advisory's lockers. My advisory is full of football players. Except, these football players are the stereotypical, upperclassmen, jerky football players who have stereotypical, upperclassmen, jerky friends that lean on my locker 4 days out of 5. That alone drives me insane. I try to be the good little freshman, but in the end I kind of turn into the sassy ' GET THE HECK AWAY FROM MY LOCKER ' freshman. But that's beside the point. The thing that really, really grates on my nerves is how many times in a day I hear, "That's so gay. You're so gay. It's all so gay." as an insult. It's starting to drive me up a wall.

The thing is, people who are gay take enough crap as it is. They're not accepted by the Catholic Church, there are millions of homophobes out there who say that they are just choosing to be that way because they want to be different. Honestly, though, would YOU choose to be something that you knew people would just mock you and insult you for, just because you weren't like them ? I didn't think so. People who are gay were BORN THAT WAY. Using that as an insult is like going up to someone and saying, "Why were you born white? I don't like it. Change it."

America is so big on eliminating racism and all that, but what about this kind of thing? Everybody gets so offended if someone uses an insulting name for an African-American person, and that's a GOOD thing. It's helping us to become equal. But what about when people call everything gay, or retarded. Those people can't help it either and yet it's a common insult for most people. When's something is going wrong or not working, "This is so gay." When there's an awkward situation or someone doesn't like where they are, "This place is so gay." When someone does something stupid, "You're so gay." 

Why? Why do we feel the need to say that? To insult them? Are we afraid of them? Because we are scared of people's differences? Think about how you would feel if people were going around insulting you for the gender of person that you likes, or the color of your skin, or your learning abilities. Think about how there might be someone that can hear you who IS gay, or who IS mentally handicapped. Think about how they must feel hearing you throw that insult around. Maybe next time you start to say that, you can stop yourself. Maybe you can even embrace them for their differences and be a friend to them. You might never know how much it means to them. Try it sometime, try freeing yourself from all the labels that our society slaps on people. Try being accepting.

Everything about using gay as an insult is just stupid. It's driving me crazy. It seriously needs to stop.

Clockwork Angel Countdown

Oh yes. This is probably my favorite series of books. Ever. Anyone who knows me can tell you that that's saying something too. This is the fourth one : coming out in April ! Yesssss !

Again.

And now we go

Back to the start.

One step forward, two steps back

And now we go

Back to the start.

Here we go again

Back to the beginning.

One step forward, two steps back

And now we go

Back to the start.

Here we go again

Back to the beginning.

Maybe it will all work out in the end

Who really knows?

One step forward, two steps back

And now we go

Back to the start.

Here we go again

Back to the beginning.

Maybe it will all work out in the end,

Who really knows?

At this point,

Who really cares?

Because all I see is

One step forward, two steps back.