Right now, I'm sitting in play practice. I should be working on homework. I'm not. My laptop is about to die, half the buttons on it decided not to work today, I have a presentation in English tomorrow that our teacher has been extremely unclear about and STILL hasn't posted the document that we're supposed to take it from, and I barely got any sleep last night. It's probably not the best time to be writing. I probably shouldn't even be posting this here because it involves a lot of people who I know read my blog. Maybe I'll come to my senses and not end up posting this. Whatever. Most of them already know and I need to get my feelings out one way or another.
Lately, I've been feeling downright alone. It's not a pleasant feeling. You see, ever since this year started, I've been thinking: all of my best friends come in pairs. I don't know if that makes any sense at all, but it's kind of true. For instance, there's Alex-and-Erin, Kaley-and-Maddi, Megan-and-Jessie. Then there's me. Me, who has half of her pair living 300 miles away. The world, or at least the school world that I live in, is made for pairs of friends, not a pair with a hanger-on. Teachers say "Get into pairs," not "Get into groups of three." That hanger-on with nowhere else to go? That's me. Now, more than ever, everyone just seems like they're fed up with me.
Don't get me wrong, I love my friends dearly and sometimes everything is fine, but even so, I just feel so...left out. More and more, I'm just the outcast who can't fit into the little line that we walk in down the hallway, the one that is left behind when they go to the vending machines or out to their lockers, the one that isn't shown the hilarious picture on tumblr. I feel so stupidly jealous and petty when I think that, but it's been happening more and more, like I said. It sucks. The worst part about it, though, is that I feel like there's nothing I can do. Those kinds of friendships are the ones that start in elementary school and just keep hanging on. It's not something that you can just go up to someone and say, "Be my best friend." You might have really close friendships that are almost that like that, but in the end, nothing can touch it. Maybe I should just get used to being lonely. I don't really know what else to do.
Over and out.
Your post is just like what I used to write last year. Same situations, same thoughts, same feelings. It was my final year at school and my best friends were alredy at university. I had nobody to be my "pair" at school. I was feeling lonely and that was really... hm... it hurt me a lot I mean. But I finally got used to it because, as you wrote, there's nothing that you can do about it. You should just stand there and wait for things to get better. And they will. :)
ReplyDeleteMargar!!!!! I love you so much girl. you're always so kind and caring and nice and open. I feel like sometimes i'm so wrapped up in having a good time that I don't notice the others around me, like you being lonely. Don't feel petty or stupid because you don't deserve to be lonely. I understand how you feel. We've all been there and you are leaving that place. Like you said, the pairs of us in school have been buddies forever, but the more the merrier. Skype me or something when you get this. I want to talk to make this better but I don't want to awkwardly bring this up. We're friends and friends are ALWAYS there for each other.
ReplyDelete-your ginger forever and always