For Someone Who Will Never Read This.

Dear Mickey,

I Love You. And not in that half-joking, half-sincere way that a lot of people say those words today. No, I really do love you. You were my best friend throughout everything that I have gone through since I met you, and that's a whole dang lot. You were the one listener that I could always count on never to judge me. Some people might laugh and say that that's because you were a horse and couldn't understand what I was saying anyway, but I think that you understood me better than a lot of people who thought they knew me.

It seems so much longer than three years that you were with me. I knew from the first time that I saw you at the barn that you were something special. Mainly because you were pretty much horrible the first time I rode you, and yet I still loved you from the start. I think it was your personality that really got me. Sometimes, I almost forgot that you were a horse because everything that you did was so much like a human. You knew that when I was in the tack room after a ride, that meant I was getting a treat for you, so you would always pose with your ears up and the most angelic face that you could manage. You knew when I was feeling down and you would turn your head around and give me a horsey hug, so that I could put my arms around your neck and cry. Unlike some horses, who run away when someone comes to catch them, you would come trotting over to me. That is, unless Duke or Tempest was somewhere nearby. You formed friendships with other horses that are sometimes a little too strong. But at the same time, you loved to be with people. When I rode you, you weren't afraid to give your opinion on whether we should go home or go faster or the fact that there was a gorgeous log jump just over there that you would like to go over, but then when my little nieces or nephews wanted a ride, you were the most obedient pony ever. You knew when someone needed to be taken care of.

When I first started riding you, I was scared to death, haunted by every single bad memory that I had of riding and you hadn't been ridden in five years. You were re-learning everything. I was breaking down my barriers. We taught each other, we learned together, we became an inseparable team. The thing is, you didn't just teach me about riding. I was more confident in everything. You taught me responsibility, because I couldn't leave you out there cold, wet, and hungry even though I had to hike about half a mile in freezing rain to find you.  Most of all though, you taught me friendship. I don't think I will ever find a better friend than you. You were my other half, you completed me. Neither of us had control really, we worked together. You may not have been a show horse, but I'm not a show rider. You wanted what I wanted, I think, lots of trails, some quiet riding, but at a moments notice, we could soar over three foot log spreads. Then after we jumped, you were just as calm as could be. There are a lot of lessons that humans could learn from you, Mickey.

Then, it all stopped. The terrible part for me was that I hadn't seen you for two weeks and barely at all for two weeks before that. Even worse than that though was that I wasn't there for you when it happened. You were always there for me, but when you needed me most, I wasn't there. I don't know if I can ever forgive myself for that. I don't know why God called you back to him, but I know that He had a plan and has a plan for you and for me.

Six months ago today, you were taken from me. But really you weren't. You'll always be in my heart, though no  matter how much I wish I could, I will never be able to see you in the flesh again. I may not be able to stroke your nose or cry into your mane any more, but you're always on my mind and in my spirit. Thank you, Mickey, thank you for all that you gave me. I miss you more than you could imagine and I will never, ever forget you.

All My Love,

Margaret

Something I Thought I'd Never Have...

...is school spirit. Seriously.

A lot of people know that I did NOT want to go to the high school where I am now, JC. In fact, I was forced to because my parents (a.) didn't want me going to a school that was an hour away and (b.) the tuition of said school was twice as much as JC's is.

But now, I'm really glad that I did go to JC. For one thing, seeing the amount of homework and stress and the severe lack of time that I had during field hockey season and that I will have during the musical, I can't imagine that with an hour of travel time each way. I think I would be a zombie, by now, and I certainly would not have as good grades as I do at JC.

The biggest reason though is that I wouldn't have met all the amazing people that I've met here. I'm sure that I would have met some great friends, but by some miracle, my friends from my old school and I found a perfect group of friends at JC. I also probably would have drifted away from some of my closest friends from my old school who went to JC.

So right now, I'm really happy that my parents forced me to go to this school. Even though it's not perfect by any means, has a terrible reputation, and some of my classes are downright obnoxious, I'm happy there. I'm almost proud to go there, even though it's seen as the school for kids who failed out of school, but have enough money for their parents to send them to a stuck-up private school. Whatever. They obviously haven't met me and my friends, cuz we're awesome. Just saying.

Over and Out.

Sadie Hawkins

The Sadie Hawkins. Girl's Choice. Yeah, That.

So, our school's Winter Formal this year is a Sadie Hawkins, so me being me, I came up with a crazy idea that I never really planned on going through with, told my friends and my friends being my friends, they made me go through with it. 

Enter Kaley, who Facebook messaged a friend from our old school who now goes to boarding school, found out the name of his friend whom I have met exactly once, and asked them both to Sadie Hawkins on behalf of my other friend [ who will just be known as Other Friend for now ] and I. Sound complicated ? It is. Was. 

She got a response saying that this weekend is closed and they couldn't come. Other Friend and I don't know whether to be disappointed or relieved. It sure makes things a lot less complicated. 

Case closed ? I think not.

Yesterday, they announced that Sadie Hawkins is postponed. To a Saturday. In February. What does that mean ? The spiral effect is starting all over again, and I'm not sure whether I can keep this spiral under control. 

I hope I'm doing the right thing. Now, I need to go talk to Other Friend.

Happiness

Sometimes it's Just Out Of Reach

Grasp at it all you want

See the Reflections of it

 In other's Eyes

Something you See and Hear and Read About

But that you can never Find

But Never give up

Because it is just a Finger's Breadth away

A little more Stretch

And Maybe it will come to you.

Happiness.

Various Thoughts

I have a lot of thoughts swirling about my head right now, so out with them. Here. Now. I'm skipping rowing for the night for this. It had best be good.

1. I feel very lucky right now. I feel like I have a really blessed life, especially home life. You see, even though they don't get me sometimes, I gripe about them, I yell at them, my parents have always been there for me, mentally and physically. They're both retired now and even before that, my Mom worked from home and my Dad was only flying on weekends. They have always been there to drag me from one friend's house to another or from a lacrosse game to a riding lesson and what not. I'm also pretty close to my Mom. She is the one that always has the patience to deal with me, except when I'm at my absolute most obnoxious. Which can be often, but still. My Dad on the other hand, is a bit stricter. Anyway, not only are my parents always home, but I'm the only child still living at home and that they have to financially support. My other half-siblings are all grown up and living on their own. That means that I get opportunities that some of my friends don't have because they just can't afford it. Sometimes, I feel really guilty about that, but also incredibly blessed. Now, mentally. In about third through fifth or sixth grade, I was best friends with a girl who probably wasn't good for me. She was always so superior and always making me feel inferior. She also kind of made me think that in order to grow up, I had to separate myself from my parents. Then, I visited my best friend in Massachusetts and saw how close to her Mom she was. I realized that I didn't have to do this all on my own, and now my Mom and I are much closer, I think.

2. I'm really worried. About one of my good friends, who just hasn't been the same lately. I can't say all of it here, so I'll just leave it at that.

3. My riding. Yes, I am a horse freak. I just usually don't show it. Lately though, I've been thinking a lot about it. I went through a whole month there where I just missed my pony terribly. I haven't been on horseback in ages. The thing is, that part of the reason for that is that I don't have a horse that I really want to ride. So, I've started browsing some websites. I found a horse in my area that I was really interested in. The problem is that since I haven't been making time to ride, my parents think that I just don't have the time to ride. They won't take me seriously. I can practically see their minds saying that they don't want to invest that sort of money if I'm never going to get over to the barn. But I think that if I had a horse that I wanted to ride, I would be finding much more time to do it.

4. My teachers. High school is grating on me. Especially my high school. Don't get me wrong, I'm having a great time. I've met some positively amazing and wonderful people and made some awesome friends, but some of my classes are downright annoying. Case A: FRENCH CLASS. I am currently learning things that I learned in sixth grade, because the administration wouldn't put my friends and I in French III where we belong. To put it nicely, screw the French program. It's annoying the crap out of me. Case B: ALGEBRA II. This is pure teacher. My teacher just grates on my nerves. Every single day. I have always disliked Math, but last year I had a teacher that just clicked with me and I started to almost enjoy it. This year, I've gone straight back to hating it. Case C: RELIGION. I saved the worse for last. My religion teacher is terrible. He is a preacher, not a teacher and he seriously needs to stick to his trade. He has now lost one of my quizzes and one of my homeworks and he blames it on the number of classes he has. He is a freaking PART-TIME TEACHER. Even my parents are angry at him now and my Dad called him an old fart. Made my day. Also, I'm not Catholic, and I go to a Catholic school. This isn't much of an issue because my religion is very similar, but some of the things that my Religion teacher says, I find really offensive. He tends to insult other religions and basically say that we are all going to Hell and I find that really offensive. Catholics are supposed to accept other religions, but he apparently does not.

There are a few other things swirling too, but I don't really feel like I can post them here. They're not hurtful or anything, just kind of private. I wish I could, because this is kind of my dump, but I just can't bring myself to. I guess I'll just go rant to some of my friends. *shrug*

Over and Out.

Epiphanies in a Florida Swamp

OKEFENOKEE, MY FRIENDS, OKEFENOKEE. I think that swamp is officially one of my favorite places one Earth. Actually, it was probably Ocala, but it was all in the same trip, soo...

Anyway, before I start raving about this fabulous trip and all the friends I made too much [which will definitely be in a later post], I need to share my Floridian epiphany just so that I don't remember them just as much as for the sake of getting them out there. I had a lot of little epiphanies that I've already kind of forgotten, but I have one major one that I am determined to stick to, even though its already getting hard.

My Epiphany/ Goal:
I will be more impulsive. I will stop thinking about all the things that COULD happen and take a few chances for once in my life. If I don't, I feel like my life is just going to be kind of pointless. Yeah, I'm sure that I'll have plenty of amazing experiences anyway, but it just won't be...exciting. 

When did I decide that I would do this? When we were at Salt Springs, Florida. We had just finished snorkeling and had gone to see the huge spring head. There were a bunch of people swimming and we went up on the diving ledge for a picture. One of the girls said, "Wouldn't it be awesome to jump?" The other two girls were in right away. I was like, "Uh, I don't think so.." and I was thinking about all the consequences that could happen when I thought to myself: No. When else are you going to get this chance? Take it. Stop thinking and just JUMP IN.

Two of the girls jumped in and then I jumped in with another freshman. It was fantastic. The guys all ran back to see if it was okay and then three of them jumped in with us. Yeah, I could have gone back with them, but taking the chance made it ten times better. That day was by far one of the best, and a lot of it was because I just felt good about myself. That was when I really decided that I would do this more often. Now, I might need a little help, but I am determined to stick to this.

Over and Out.

Short and Sweet :: Bye for Now

I'm going away for a week. To Florida. More specifically, to a swamp in Florida. Fantastic, eh?

I don't have much time, because I'm leaving in about an hour and I haven't finished packing, but I just wanted to say goodbye, especially to those of you that I didn't get to say a proper goodbye to...

To Kaley and Madison: I am a brick wall. That's a giant cyber-hug coming your way.

To Megan and Jessie: I'M SO JEALOUS OF YOU. humph. and byeee :]

To Alex and Erin: Farewell fair friends :] oops, sorry, that was my weird vocabulary again. [[and don't cry Alex, I know I'm awesome, but it's only a week...]]

To Everyone Else: Bye!! [[and thank you for actually reading my blog :D]]

Balancing Act

Sometimes, life is a balancing act. Actually, life is always a balancing act, but sometimes more than others.I've blogged about this a little before, but lately I've been feeling like my friendships are becoming a more and more precarious balancing act.

I've been told that I'm everybody's friend, and that's kind of true. I have people that I don't talk to much and people that I don't particularly like, but I don't have many real enemies. I've decided that the best way for me is to try and keep it that way. Hence my optimism and title as Everybody's Friend. But then, I'm not one of those people who can just have a big group of--for lack of a better way to put it--loose friends. I need close friends. The kind of people who will never judge me, the kind of people who I can spill my guts to at 10:00 at night, the kind of people who care what you say when they ask "How are you?" And I've found some of those people. I'm blessed enough to have found quite a few of them.

But, then, this is where it gets tricky. See, in 6th grade, I was sort of a floater. In a class that didn't really have exclusive cliques, but rather "groups" of friends who usually hung out together but still did stuff with other people, I floated from group to group. Then, I found my place in one group of friends and I found my best friends within that group. There were four of us that most people saw as one unit. We got ready for dances together, we always had birthday parties together, we went to the mall together, stuff like that. Then, in 7th grade, I became really close friends with a girl who hung out with almost a completely different group of people, but reminded me a lot of...me. All of her close friends were in the other section, so we started hanging out together. In 8th grade, her two best friends were in our section, so the four of us would hang out, but a bunch of my other friends were in that section too. I kind of felt like I was rotating, or something. So now, I had best friends in two different groups of people, some of whom didn't exactly like each other. That was tricky.

Enter high school. My best friend from one group and my best friend from the other group both come, along with some other really close friends and people that I had met through friends. It's not that they don't get along or anything, it's just that they hang out with completely different people and it's just gotten more obvious going from a class of 38 to a class of 150. For instance, the other day I had two off mods. That's not really enough time for me to get myself into my homework mode, so I was chilling in the cafeteria. Actually, I was running back and forth between tables on almost completely opposite sides of the caf, talking to one friend, talking to the other, running from someone who was attempting to beat me up with a zipper-bag, going to grab my lunchbox. To be dramatic, I was running between two different worlds. In one, people were talking loudly [[fitting for some theater people]], laughing loudly, petting each other [[now that's a long story...]], and just being overall crazy. In the other, my Nerd/Jock friend was doing homework while my other friends there were talking relatively quietly and tamely. Key word: relative. But anyway...

I started thinking, what am I going to do? I love all my friends so much, I don't want to lose any of them, but I don't know what to do. I feel like I can't keep this up forever, but I also feel like I have to. Now, I've made a bunch of new friends who barely know some of my best friends just because they never interact with each other. I'm balancing on the skinniest of points, trying to keep two groups of friends that are practically polar opposites. Jocks and Drama Freaks, to be rather stereotypical. Nerds [[which, ironically, are also the Jocks]] and some Not-So-Nerds, if you want to put it that way. I can't say which of them I'd rather be part of, because they are completely equal. I can't lose them. I just can't.

A Good Day :]

Today was twice as good as yesterday, which is a VERY good thing because yesterday pretty much sucked. At least, it didn't really suck for me so much, but when my friends have a terrible day, I tend to have a terrible day because I feel so guilty. Even when it's nothing that I've done, and nothing that I can do anything about. That's just me, I guess. But today, today was a different story...

1. It started on a total this-sucks-but-I've-gotta-laugh-at-myself note. We didn't have chorus. I thought that I had chorus. I got there 45 minutes early like normal and I was actually early today instead of dreadfully late like usual and so I was chilling in the other chorus room with my friend. Then someone from her chorus storms in, saying "It's not fair, the other chorus isn't meeting today." My jaw dropped and I was like WHAT!?!?! Then, I went outside, informed my friends that we didn't have chorus and ranted with them while we all laughed at ourselves. Turned out being kind of fun :] II's funny how being with friends makes everything so much better.

2. We didn't have Algebra today. This is why Tuesdays are F.A.B.U.L.O.U.S.

3. We don't have school tomorrow. This is kind of a really bittersweet thing. More bitter than sweet. A teacher at our school, Mrs. Moeser, lost her three year long battle with cancer this weekend and her funeral is tomorrow. I, personally didn't know her but many of my teachers were good friends with her. It's been a sad week around school.

4. Certain people that I saw constantly in the hallways today. I'm not going to elaborate, but I'm sure several of you who are reading this know what I'm talking about...

5. My friends. They make every day fabulous. Without them, I don't know what I would do. We support each other fully when we are down, but the best days are the good ones. I can't possibly sum up how much I love these guys in a blog post, so I'll just leave it at that.

Over and Out.

Why We Need Teleportation [and a letter to a friend]

So, this weekend was not a good weekend for a bunch of my really good friends. There is drama swirling, but it's kept down because all the people involved are some of the nicest people I have ever met. If it was anyone else, this would be an explosion of drama and rumor spreading.

But, we need teleportation because I need to give all the people involved a hug. In fact, I needed to give one person a gigantic hug yesterday when she started sobbing over Skype. I almost dragged my mother to the car to go drive to her house. Not kidding.

Then again, maybe it's a good thing we don't have teleportation because then I might have acted on impulse and gone to slap the boy that caused all this, even though it isn't his fault at all and he doesn't even know about it.

I think the benefits far outweigh the negatives though, because I feel like I just can't say what I want to over some video chat. I need to give my friend a hug, or a shoulder to cry on if that's what they need. I need to be there in an instant so that I can tell them that it's going to be okay, even when everything is just spiraling downhill.

:::

Dear Friend [I hope you know who you are],

I really wish that I could make everything that's going wrong in your life right again with a snap of my fingers, but I can't no matter how much I want to. I feel like everything that I say is just making things worse, and I really wish I knew how to stop doing that. The thing is, you were always the person who could brighten up my day when I felt like life sucked, and I just don't know how to repay you. I want to say something that will make you feel better, but whenever I try it doesn't work at all. You always used to be laughing at something completely random, but now you always seem really stressed.

So, just feel better. Remember, that if you need to rant to someone, I'll listen. If there's anything I can do to make you feel better, tell me. I'll try my best.

Love,
Me <3

The Last Thing...

I can't get him out of my head. Now, if you're a certain person who has been grilling me over Twitter about who this "mystery man" is, you'll be disappointed. It's not THAT person [and I'm still not telling you who he is either]. It's not a person at all, it's an animal. It's my pony. I still think of him like that, though I guess he's not really anyone's horse anymore.

I can't get him out of my head, and now I'm being forced to look back at things that I'm not sure I want to scrutinize anymore. Namely, my record book is making me look back at a year that was overwhelmed by loss. That's the last thing I want to do right now; look back at the last thing that I did with him, try to figure out how I felt before I lost him. Because, right now, that's about all I can remember. Last night, I realized that I had to dig around in my memory for far too long to remember how it felt to give him a hug or wrestle a comb through his mane, or put my hand in his winter fuzz that was so long my hand was simply swallowed up into it.

Every time I go to the barn, I'm followed by thoughts of him. I look at a jump and wish that he was here so we could fly over that triple oxer. I canter up a hill on my Mom's horse with her rocking canter and remember galloping up a hill, asking him for more and more speed until we've left all the other horses miles behind. I remember getting to the top of the hill and him falling right back into a walk, with my reins on the buckle while we wait for the horses that we left behind. I remember tying him whinnying to me when I disappeared into the tack room for too long. I remember how it felt when his head flew up and his muscles all tightened in anticipation for flying over the five log spreads that ran up the hill. I remember him getting fed up with me holding him back and jumping straight into the air while he kicked all four legs out. I remember the few times he let out an ecstatic buck. I remember him licking my hand, my arm, my sweatshirt to try and find food. I remember that he almost always found some. I remember that somewhere on my Dad's computer is a picture of him with his cannon bone shattered into a million pieces.I remember that no matter how much I want him to, he's never coming back. And that's when I fall to pieces.

R.I.P. On Top of the World. You were a great pony.

R.I.P. Mickey. You were the best friend I ever had.

WARNING: Somewhat Depressing.

I feel like I need to blog, but I don't really know what to blog about. Quelle surprise. I've had a lot of things rolling around my mind lately, a lot of them old stuff that I haven't talked about in a while, and some things that I've always known but just recently realized how soon I could come to face it.

1. My friends. I feel like they've been stressing me out way more than usual lately. Most of the stress is from wanting to help them, but we've all been stressed out by the test that we had on Wednesday, so there's been some tension going around too. Also, I keep feeling like I'm caught between two groups of people. I felt like that at the end of last year, too. It's not that they don't like each other or something, but they just don't hang out together or really have the same interests or anything. My best friends hang out with two different circles of people and I feel like I'm caught in the middle. It's like a balancing act, and I don't know how long I can keep it up, but I can't stand what will happen if I can't. I don't want to lose any of them.

2. My parents. I always get in little fights with my Mom, especially when I'm stressed and she just says something that adds to my stress, but I love my parents. And I've always known that they were much older than my friends' parents, especially my Dad. But, I only really realized that he's turning 69 this year. I just realized how cheated I feel that I won't have my parents as long as most people. I don't know how to say it, but sometimes I just feel...cheated.

3. My horse.  I know that a lot of people are going to look at this and scoff, because it's just an animal and all that, but to me he wasn't. My pony, my Mickey had to be put down on June 24, 2010. It was really sudden and the worst part was that I was on my way home from vacation, and had stopped in Boston. We got the call that morning, and I didn't get home until 11:00 that night. I've cried myself to sleep more times than I can count this year and he never really leaves my thoughts. The worst part is, that when I'm feeling like that is exactly the time that I would've gone to the barn just to give him a hug and he would have cheered me up just by being his fat, fuzzy self. I miss him so much that I can't even write it. He's been on my mind all summer, but lately I've been thinking about him more and more. Maybe it's the stress, I don't know, but I can't stop. I haven't been able to go to his grave since the week after he died, but now I feel like I want to. I just can't find the time, because I know that I'll be a wreck when I get home. Then, today, my Mom sent me a link to a website where you can order jewelry made from your horse's tail. Now, I'm writing this. Great, now I've gone and made myself cry again. So, I'll just stop now.

Hopefully, I can stop thinking about all these sad, sad things now. Over and out.

What am I doing wrong?

I feel like lately, whenever I try to do something right, I end up doing something wrong. I'll try to spend time with one of my friends because she doesn't have anyone to eat lunch with and she kind of needs someone to talk to, but then when I go back to hang out with another of my friends the next mod, she accuses me of blowing her off. I try to explain, but it just doesn't seem to suffice.

I feel like it's been like that all the time lately, and I don't know what to do about it. I feel really bad, but what I don't know what I would have done differently. I can't bring myself to say no when I see someone who has no one else to sit with, and I was going to go tell my other friend where I was, but then I had to stay so that my other friend needed to talk about something that had happened to her.

I feel like I'm caught between a rock and a hard place, and I don't know what to do except write about it. So, that's what I did. I don't know how well anyone can understand by reading it, because I won't name names, but that's the way it is. I just don't know what to do anymore.

Intimidation, Much?

So, I'm feeling kind of intimidated by my amazingly awesome dinosaur buddy who's blog can be found here. So, I've decided to start posting here more. These aren't going to be the postings of genius that I admit I kind of thought that I would post here in my general and idealistic imaginations of what I would do when I had a blog. Instead, it's just going to be my feelings/worries/thoughts at the moment. Starting...now.

1. Intimidation- explained ^up there^

2. Relief, but with a touch of nervousness still- MY HUMAN GEOGRAPHY TEST IS OVER. That is a huge weight off of my shoulders. Suddenly, I can talk to my parents, they're not always angry at me, and everything just seems a little brighter. I've gone back to my optimism.

3. Sympathy/Worry/Empathy- to all my friends. They're all going through their respective problems right now, and I'm really worried about some of them. Next to them, I feel like I'm blowing my little problems way out of proportion. But then, I tend to keep all my problems buried deep. One of my friends remarked a few weeks ago that up until then, she had never seen me cry. I feel like some things just eat me from the inside, and I need to let some of it out or I might explode. But then, when I let it out, especially at home, it seems like things just get worse and worse. That's why I started keeping it all inside, and that's a hard habit to break. I guess that's really off topic, but I need to get it out. Anyway, some of the problems that I have buried down there have a lot to do with what some of them are going through, but I just don't know what to tell them. I also feel like there's so much that I don't know, and I feel like I should be helping them.

4. Guilt- for nothing in particular, but everything in general. For feeling like I don't know what all my friends are going through, and so not helping. For feeling like I'm making things worse. For not knowing what to say. For feeling all this guilt for things that I can't control. For not studying maybe as much as I could have. For leaving speech and debate early. For not feeling prepared for Okefenokee. For not letting all this out sooner. For having to fight myself to let it out now. For nothing in particular, but everything in general.

5. Change- I've changed so much since last year. I suddenly take a long time on all my tests. I care too much about everything. And I've turned into a junior optimist. I try to look at the bright side, but then I'll just get too stressed. The thing that I'm stressed about will pass, and I'll go back to optimism. This is why I keep a lot of things hidden. My subconscious keeps telling me that my problems are insignificant compared to my friends, so I should bury mine and just help them with theirs. Then they start to eat me up, I feel more stress, more guilt, and everything spirals down. Enter, blog. This is now going to be the place where I will lay everything on the line. Congratulations, reader, you get to read it. Good luck.

Stress

My official least favorite emotion. I am so stressed right now, and all of it is centered around one class: AP Human Geography. Specifically, the test tomorrow. SIX ESSAYS IN FORTY MINUTES. So, anybody want to take my place? Be my guest. Seriously.

Another part of my stress about this test is the fact that in my last test, I didn't finish and had a nervous breakdown right afterward. Yes, yes I know, I am a nerd. But anyway, I have so much left-over stress from that one that I am just freaking out. FREAKING OUT. I need some support, but it helps to write it all like this. I'm trying to fight it down, but it's not quite working. Right now, I'm looking forward to how I will feel after the test and I'm trying to focus on knowing the content so that I can write fast.

My comforts/pep talks: I can write [fairly] well. No, I tell myself, YOU CAN WRITE WELL.
You have a good grade from the first essay/project this quarter.
You have studied. You know the material.
You are AWESOME.

I need comfort. Tomorrow, this will be over. Tomorrow.

Day One

They say that the first step is that hardest. I couldn't agree more. For days, I've been working on the design of this blog, telling myself that I shouldn't start writing until it looked perfect. But then, I realized that it will never look perfect. No more procrastinating.

Whether this becomes a popular blog, or its just me, its a way for me to confront everything that's been bothering me. I won't be dissing other people. That I'll keep to myself. But there will be tears. There will most likely be rants. There will be pictures, there will be words, but mostly there will be feelings. It's 10:22 PM, October 29th and I'm ready to start.

Stride One.